The Thief's Folly
A twisted comedic short by R.E. Holding - FREE SHORT STORY
Hey all!
I just want to start off my mentioning that from time to time, I may write up a short story and post it here. I like to participate in writing battles, as well as bang out a story in between writer’s block on my main work in progress. Eventually I will publish them in a compilation when I gather enough stories, but I’ll share them here for now! Enjoy my weird sense of humor.
Prompts: [Culinary Catastrophe], [Thief], [Spectacles]
The Thief’s Folly
The hardest part was dealing with the "skin". Or whatever the outer layer was called. What came underneath, however existed a masterpiece of flavor no being on earth experienced up to that point. At least, not that I knew of.
I created this one of a kind dish on a hot Thursday in April. We don't get hot days in April here in the North. This particular day brought with it a certain… anomaly.
I was in my restaurant kitchen as usual, exploring recipes before opening the doors of the ever-popular Vomi Violet. Steam simmered from a pot of rice on the burner while I juggled a series of colored root vegetables-- from my own garden no less. As I sliced and carved, enjoying the solitude of a patron-less dining area, I heard a little pink! pink! come from the pantry.
I knew that sound.
The thief was a slippery little fellow. I supposed he felt the same and thought I wouldn't catch him in the act of hauling away an armful of cacao beans from my pantry. I stopped the little Lilliputian in his tracks by hurling my cleaver in his direction. It thunked into the wooden grooves of the floor, just in front of his path. My gamble paid off because the absconder froze like a goat.
"What a strange little guy you are," I told him as I bent down for a better look. I don't think he spoke my language, but either way, he would regret treading through my stores.
"And what a most vibrant shade of violet." I reached down and touched the velvet fur coating the creature. His beady black eyes glared at me, and another bean went pink! to the floor, wobbling away. He sunk his stupid teeth into the crook of my hand.
"Ow! Damn! You little..." Instinct triggered reflexes swung the cleaver hard and quick, splitting his skull between soulless eyes. Oops. The thing teetered and collapsed, spilling the cacao beans everywhere. His body lolled about before coming to a stop.
I sighed and started to pick up the beans when my nose caught the most decadent aroma. Purple ooze dribbled like honey from the creature's head wound, creating a glimmering pool underneath him. I wiggled my nostrils to pull in more of the scent and I struck a wild plan.
After fighting with the removal of the skin to reveal the ooey gooey goodness of the center, I wondered whether I should attempt to make a nice jerky from the velveteen flesh. No one ever sampled purple jerky before. Well... not that I knew of.
In the meantime, I crafted one of the most beautiful and intricate appetizers in my career. The consistency of the little guy’s innards was perfect for spherification. I created several plates of violet “faux roe” with a side of an orange balsamic reduction.
I put the last touches on the final plate when the first of many patrons scuttled in to my restaurant, practically demanding the apéritif du jour the second their foot hit the threshold.
What would I call the lovely pile of purple popping boba?
I wanted so eagerly to introduce this experimental appetizer to the crowd. After years of enduring their snobbish reviews and countless critiques, they would truly get something worth talking about. Who had any inkling what the effects of intergalactic guts on an earthy digestive tract could be?
After a myriad of plates were delivered and the familiar sounds of clinking forks hitting the ceramic and sliding between polished veneers rang through the room, I began my rounds, stopping at the nearest table where a slender nerd and his woman sat.
"Excuse me, what did you say this was called again?" the nerd asked. He perched his nose so far up in the air I could slide quarters into his nostrils before realization would hit. The woman across from him blinked and extended her lips into a crumpled pursing.
"The Thief's Folly," I answered, grinning at the pair. They took tiny bites, sliding their tongues around in their disgusting mouths then nodding in approval and shooing me away. "Please enjoy." I turned back to the counter to observe the dining area.
Several murmurs rose through the crowd. Declarations of “the finest dish ever sold” to “like nothing I’ve ever tasted!” were common utterances among the elite. Of course, they were correct— the aroma alone suggested an experience in the mouth… but how would it settle? The sting of anticipation gnawed at me, but I could only grin as the patrons reveled in spoonfuls of the galaxy.
Then the groaning began.
The pursed-lip woman across from the nerd spewed a wave of violet so explosive in his face it blew off his spectacles. He returned the favor. Patrons slid from their seats, attempting to make a dash for the toilet, but failing and adding their contributions to an even greater mess.
The dining room filled with a cacophony of wails and guttural stomach noises. A splatter here, a mudslide there… some of them slipped around and fell in the muck, rolling through and continuing to add their own. I was sure I saw a whole boiled egg come out of someone, along with pieces of my thieving friend.
Shoes squeaked on the polished floor as guests scrambled here and there, drowning out my fine French orchestral music. Pleas to make it stop threaded through the din, with a tiny tinkle of laughter— and it wasn’t me!
I crossed my arms and smiled at the chaos.
Wonder no longer, this was what happened when one ate extraterrestrial insides... Maybe I would try to make that jerky after all.
END
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